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#42404 - 02/09/04 05:07 AM Please Help:(  
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 53
Leah Offline
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Leah  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 53
DeFuniak Springs, FL
UPDATE: May 21, 2004
Things are so different around here I hardly even recognize us. My husband and Ducky are getting along famously! She adores him and every time she sees him or gets close to him she goes to clicking. She rubs her forehead against his and just glows. She is very different now. When I posted that last message, I thought she had settled in, but now that I see her true personality emerging, I realize that she is only just now really feeling at home. She is amazing. I am so happy that my husband realized what he was doing was wrong and corrected himself because now we are a very happy family. Thank you to everyone who was concerned and offered help. I want to extend a special thank you to Ladyhawk who kept tabs on me and worried about me like a darling sister. This is one amazing group of people.

Original Post:
Greetings all. My Goffin's has finally settled in and really loves me. She is only happy when she is with me I love her and she makes me laugh. She is a unique character with loads of energy and a goofy sense of humor. Now for the bad news. My husband has sworn off of birds forever because of her and he wants her gone. She doesn't like or trust him and he feels the same way about her. He doesn't understand the concept of being gentle even when the bird is not. Ducky, on more than one occassion, has gotten a little over-excited and bitten too hard. She didn't draw blood but it made my husband angry. He snatched her up, bodily, and put her back in her cage. As time went on, this interaction grew worse and scarier for both my husband and Ducky. Unfortunately, she is small and basically defenseless, and he is not. I told him I could put her up for adoption here but he would not hear of giving away a bird he just spent a thousand dollars on. I told him I would not put her up for sale in any paper and we ended up in a stalemate. I can't let this go on. Please, can anyone help me?

My husband is in a scary stage in his life. He is ready to retire from the Air Force, his paternal grandmother just died, his maternal grandmother had a heart attack, his father has a severe spinal injury, his mother has spinal problems that make it painful to walk every day - both of this issues are recent, his aunt recently found out she has cancer, his brother's baby was just born three days ago, prematurely - As you can see, this man is coming unglued. I can't convince him to see a counselor, but I'm scared he's going to have a heart attack. He is angry all the time. All of our animals are suffering - as you can imagine I am too. I'm at my wits end because this little bird doesn't deserve this but I can't do anything to make it go away.

Please will someone give me some suggestions?

#42405 - 02/09/04 05:12 AM Re: Please Help:(  
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Mona Offline
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Leah, if you want to call me, we can talk. Im close to you as you know, maybe I can help.

Email me if you dont have my phone number anymore.

mona@mytoos.com

If you need a safe temporary refuge for Ducky while you and husband work this all out, I'll be glad to foster her until you decide what to do.

Don't just sell her, without trying to work this out first, you may just need a little time to help your husband through this stressful time and be able to bring her back home. She's welcome to stay with me for as little/long as it takes for you guys to deal with your issues.

Just let me know.

#42406 - 02/09/04 05:30 AM Re: Please Help:(  
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Ladyhawk Offline
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Leah - your profile indicates you enjoy Bible study. I infer from that, that you have a pastor/priest or other spiritual leader close by. PLEASE, for YOUR safety and the BIRD'S safety, contact whoever that is NOW. That is what they are there for - please let them do what they are trained to do: help in a crisis. I'm willing to bet this goes much deeper than current circumstances and the bird issue. Find someone NOW to temporarily house your baby...and you can visit him. For the sake of yourself, your bird, and your husband's health, get Ducky to safety, and make the call to your pastor now, no matter what time it is. I live on the other side of the country, or I'd be driving to your house myself! PLEASE Take Mona up on her offer, I have no doubt she means it!!!

2-10-04: Thanks, Leah, for the update. I do hope the communication and awareness continues. A visit to a physician might be helpful, too, for several reasons. You can make your doctor aware of these things, which will help him determine what to look for during a physical exam. He can also suggest counseling, or a class on "stress management" which 1) relieves you of the burden of suggesting it, 2) takes the emotional "charge" out of it. To be on the safe side, you can "foster" out Ducky for a while, to remove one "stressor."

#42407 - 02/09/04 06:01 AM Re: Please Help:(  
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Maria Offline
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Maria  Offline
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Cocoa, FL
Leah,

I live in Florida too, so you have several friends here with you during this trying time. My husband is retired military, so I do know what you're going through with your husband with regards to his retiring. It is a stressful time for the family, not just for the military member. And then add everything else going on with his family, it's understandable his frustration level is rising. What is not acceptable, is cruel or physical behaviour towards you, Ducky, your children, or any of your other pets.

Mona is absolutely terrific and a very caring person to talk to if you'd like to call her. And if you need a safe haven for Ducky while you're sorting things out, Mona may be able to help with suggestions there too. We have several members that live fairly close to you, and I'm sure we can work things out.

Ladyhawke came up with a wonderful idea, please call your pastor or priest and share with him/her what is going on with your life.

You and Ducky are in our prayers.

Maria

#42408 - 02/09/04 06:14 AM Re: Please Help:(  
Joined: Nov 2002
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Liisa B Offline
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Liisa B  Offline
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Canada
Leah,
Please for both of your sakes take Mona up on her offer & yes, get to safety. If husband will not go for counseling, that is his problem
Unfortunately you & Ducky are in the middle.
Even a temporary foster is better at this point.
What your husband wants at this point regarding dollars for Ducky is not important.
Is Ducky your bird? If so, it is up to you whether you adopt her out and/or go with her. That would be my 1st choice but then again I'm not in your shoes.
Sorry, I have no patience when it comes to violent spouses. Without professional help it never changes, no matter how often the promise is made.
God Bless you & keep you both safe until you find some peace in your life.

Liisa

#42409 - 02/09/04 09:30 AM Re: Please Help:(  
Joined: Jan 2004
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Ladyhawk Offline
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Ladyhawk  Offline
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California
Leah - FYI:

Shelter House, Inc.
Serving Okaloosa and Walton Counties and
Serving the cities of Ft. Walton Beach, Crestview, DeFuniak Springs, and Destin
Hotline numbers: 1-800-44-ABUSE or (850)863-4777
PO Box 220
Ft Walton Beach, FL 32549-0220
Administration: (850)243-1201
FAX (850)243-6756
Max@shelterhousenwfl.org

My apologies to all if this seems inappropriate, however, I will never, ever, be silent if I suspect abuse of an animal or person has happened, or is about to happen.

#42410 - 02/09/04 09:37 AM Re: Please Help:(  
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MsSmurfy Offline
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Florida USA
Leah, Am so sorry to hear of your unfortunate situation. I am also in Florida, although I do not know how close or far away we are from each other. But Lil Ducky is welcome to stay with TIKI for as long as you decide, TIKI has nice accomodations & playground aviary with plenty of room.The most ideal offer of course would be the one where you could visit with lil Ducky as I am sure you both would enjoy.Feel free to contact me & in the meantime I will keep you & yours in thought & prayer.

#42411 - 02/09/04 03:26 PM Re: Please Help:(  

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Leah..I'm so sorry all of this is happening. PLEASE contact Mona, she means what she says! You need to get some help for yourself as well. Your husband truly needs to see someone to help him through this time as well. Some men just can't bring themselves to understand that going to counseling doesn't make them less of a man. frown

Keep us posted, everybody is here for you.

#42412 - 02/09/04 04:20 PM Re: Please Help:(  
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SUNNY Offline
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VALENCIA,CALIFORNIA
If I were in your shoes I would take Mona up on her offer and than decide what to do from there. It is YOUR bird so if you feel the best for her is adoption DO SO. Foster her at Mona's and run the adoption from the board. You don't even have to tell your husband about it. Just do it for the safety of your bird. Once a man reaches the point of being rough and he sees all in the house tolerating it usually gets progressively worse; so you must also take time to consider your safety as well. Either place your bird or you and the bird need to leave. The bird's behavior is not going to improve w/ all that tension in the home; it will more than likely get worse.

PS> You said your hubs won't let you adopt the bird out for free. Tell him he won't get anything for a dead or injured bird either.

#42413 - 02/09/04 05:46 PM Re: Please Help:(  
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Lori Conarro Offline
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Salt Lake City, Utah
Leah, I'm sorry. You are in a tough spot. Please let Mona or someone help you. It is so easy for a human to get in a temper and cause such horrible injuries to a bird in less than the blink of an eye. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

#42414 - 02/09/04 07:47 PM Re: Please Help:(  
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Bogee's Mom Offline
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Bogee's Mom  Offline
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NY
Leah, I'm so sorry to hear what your going through and I hope every thing turns out for the best but I think for right now the best thing to do is take Monas offer she is a good person and she will take care of Ducky as she was her own bird til you work things out.Take care, good luck and BIG HUGS!!!! to you and yours

Bogees Mom

#42415 - 02/09/04 11:59 PM Re: Please Help:(  
Joined: Aug 2003
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Leah Offline
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Leah  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2003
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DeFuniak Springs, FL
Hello my darling friends! Thank you all for your words of comfort. (Mona I will be emailing you) My husband has not physically harmed Ducky, myself or any of our other pets. It's the scaring that he does. Finally, after posting this message last night, I went in and talked to him. I was astounded that he listened to what I had to say and after a while, he calmed down. I told him that he could be angry if he wanted to, that was okay with me because I didn't care anymore since he was angry all the time. But if there was anything I could do to ease his stress and make him happy, I would do it. I pointed out that he is angry over everything. There is no degree of it. Everything is an explosive issue. I said, "This verbally abusive, frightening monster is not you. This is person under severe stress who is going to give himself a heart attack. Look at the dogs. Look at their posture. Do you see how scared they are? This is what you are doing to them all the time now. Did you see what happened when we both drove up to the house today? You wanted to take the dogs for a walk, but they wouldn't go with you. They came running to me and singing about how happy they were to see me. Everyone is tense when you are home. You used to be an easy-going, warm-hearted, gentle-natured man not very long ago. Something is wrong because this monster is not the real you."

Later, he came out, took Ducky out of her cage and played and cuddled with her. He loved on the dogs and treated me with respect. I got sick last night and was throwing up. He took care of me. I have a dry socket, and he was very careful not to wake me today until 2pm when he had to leave for work.

Through all of this, he finally told me that he would not be comfortable with all the animals we have until we are down to one car load. Right now, it takes two cars for us, as a 'family' to go anywhere. He is seriously concerned that he won't be able to find a house we can afford that will have space for all these beasties. He wants one car load of animals so when we move, one car will have the animals and the other will have our luggage.

What a mess I have made. I knew he wasn't completely sold on getting a bird when I got Ducky, but to make me happy, he shelled out the grand so I could have her. I should have paid more attention to HIS feelings and needs and not pushed to have my way. I'm ashamed of myself.

I have let the elders in the congregation know about the stress he is under and they are all willing to help. They call and check on me, offer to do anything I need, arrange to 'run in to' my husband occassionally, but my hubby is not yet willing to open up. The way he was raised, and in his father's shadow, he has no faith in psychiatrists or mental health professionals. Unlike his father, he does recognize that depression is a legitamate illness, but doesn't recognize that he is suffering from it right now.

This posting is way too long already so I'll stop here for now.

Love to you all!

Leah

#42416 - 02/10/04 12:22 AM Re: Please Help:(  
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Maria Offline
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Maria  Offline
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Cocoa, FL
Hello Leah,

You do sound better this afternoon. So glad you had an opportunity to sit down and talk with your husband, and he took the opportunity to listen to you.

I don't know what your retirement plans are, but I can tell you when MY husband retired, we had two dogs (dalmations), four cats, two parrots, and a 9 year old child. And we moved them 1000 miles with my husband driving the U-haul towing a vehicle, and yours truly driving our Oldsmobile listening to all of the dependents asking, "Are we there yet?" The cats and the birds weren't quite so specific with their questions, but I got the message loud and clear. Emphasis on LOUD! LOL! Anyway, we did just fine. Where there's a will, there's a way.

If you do decide that you need to do something with Ducky, there are several options to consider.

Number one is fostering. There are people on this board, or they know people, that would be willing to foster Ducky until you and your family are settled.

Number two is adopting Ducky out. We have people on this board that would be happy to adopt such a wonderful bird, or they'll be happy to help you adopt out your bird.

I adopted two birds from MyToos last year. What a great experience. You can read about it on the MyToos member pages here

http://www.mytoosmembers.com/member9/maria.html

complete with pictures. LOL!

So what I'm saying is, there are always options. Sometimes it's a matter of stepping back to look for them.

We wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide. Do keep us posted on how Ducky's doing, and what your decision is regarding her. We're concerned, and we do care.

Hugs, Maria

#42417 - 02/10/04 12:32 AM Re: Please Help:(  
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june Offline
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wales england
Hello Leah. I too have more than two car loads of animals in fact more than four <img border="0" alt="[laughing]" title="" src="graemlins/laugh[1].gif" />
God brought the animals to you to love I am sure he will help you find a house for them to live in.
Tell your husband we are all praying for him and his wellbeing, I am sure he is not a bad man just hurting at the moment.
I am sure that if you ever do need to rehome any of your animals that there will be plenty of people here to help you out.
Tell your husband when he is hurting the most to go and look deeply into the eyes of your little bird, thats where he will find peace and love and exceptance, because God put it inside everyone of our birds eyes for us to find.
God bless you all. smile
smile smile

#42418 - 02/10/04 12:52 AM Re: Please Help:(  
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MsSmurfy Offline
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MsSmurfy  Offline
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Florida USA
My Dear Leah~ Even tho we may not know one another personally that is OK....I simply wish to extend my hand in friendship to you as everyone else here would do. I must say that you have taken that first & most important step ...being communication...I hope & pray that you & your hubby can compromise on priorities as they indeed need to be addressed according to your situation. May your love & devotion to each other withstand the adversities that you may now face~ And may you realize & find comfort in knowing that your critters have homes to be temporarily or permanently placed depending on your choices & decisions as time allows. Take care~ & take comfort in knowing you are not alone~

#42419 - 02/10/04 01:47 AM Re: Please Help:(  
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ConnieS Offline
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Dear Leah,
I can't offer any more than others have already. I would seriously consider Mona's kind offer until you can get a handle on things. It appears to run pretty deep and will take some time to work through. Meanwhile, you can be assured that Ducky will be well cared for until you can get your thoughts together and decide what's best long term. Don't make any rash decisions that you might later regret.

Please know that you have many friends here supporting you as you travel through this difficult time. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

#42420 - 02/10/04 04:48 AM Re: Please Help:(  
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alaska_toos Offline
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Alaska
Hi Leah,

I totally understand the kind of stress that your husband is going through. My husband signed out on terminal leave from the Army two days ago. After 20+ years of having a purpose to get up every morning (physical training), he has nothing to do. He has to start a new career at an age when most people are established in theirs. Depending on what he does in the military he will have to try and convert his military experience and training into something that is marketable in the civilian world. Sometimes that isnít always easy.

We are very lucky that we donít have to try and move all of our birds and animals across country, and find a place that will accept them. Things will fall in place and hopefully return to normal for you after your husband's retirement, moving, finding a new home, and a job that is suited for him. All those things combined can sometimes become unbearable all by themselves. The added pressure and stress of his family may have brought everything to a head that he wasn't prepared to deal with at this already stressful time.

I would recommend taking Mona up on her offer to foster Ducky. When things settle down upon your arrival at your new home you can bring him back home if you feel that is what would be best for Ducky. If not, there is always the option of adopting Ducky out through Mytoos.

Most of all just remember the sun will come up tomorrow!!

Tammy


The woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best.
Henry Van Dyke
#42421 - 02/13/04 07:13 AM Re: Please Help:(  
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 53
Leah Offline
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Leah  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 53
DeFuniak Springs, FL
Hello to one and all! Things are looking up. He's been playing with her and laughing at her antics, so that's a really good sign. She loves him and gets so excited when she hears his voice that she goes all fluffy and starts calling out, "HELLO! HELLO!" How can anyone hate someone who loves them that much?

Tammy, thank you for sharing your insights into retirement. You mentioned a few things I hadn't considered before and I'll be my husband hasn't realized they were bothering him either.

Thank you to everyone who dove right in and offered help and comfort. What an amazing flock you are!!!

Love Leah

#42422 - 02/13/04 08:46 AM Re: Please Help:(  
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Ladyhawk Offline
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Ladyhawk  Offline
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California
Leah - Wonderful! I always thought retirement meant exactly that: you were done working as a necessity. I guess not (sigh). Best of luck with all the transitions, and thanks for the update!

#42423 - 02/13/04 09:26 AM Re: Please Help:(  
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 53
Leah Offline
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Leah  Offline
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Posts: 53
DeFuniak Springs, FL
I forgot to add that the reason I haven't been posting regularly in response to your kind words is because I've been pretty sick. I'm getting better now, thank you. smile

I just read the notice about double posting. Please delete this post. Thank you


Moderated by  BE2Cassie, Beeps, EchosMom, Janny 

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